Perfect

(but I’m imperfect)

Try

(but that seems impossible)

Change

(even more impossible)

Grief

(for many things)

Hate

(for more things)

 

I sit and struggle for words, new words, words that will combat my feelings.  I sit and contemplate all the changes I want to make and I am burdened.  Very burdened.  I cannot see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  I don’t even know which tunnel I am in.  I do know that I want out.  I know that my fault lies in wanting the easy, wanting immediate gratification, and wanting change for everything all at once.  I have started and stopped so many times that just to start again feels like failing.  But there is a fighter in me.  Somewhere.  I am still searching for Beth, even now.  Today’s mantra will be “one more time, one more step.”  This in regard to much more than writing but as this is the point of this blog, I will recommit to exploring my creative side.  This is a pledge to try and write more even if it is not perfect, even if it is hard to try, even while I grieve the many losses in my life, and most importantly even as I battle my rage and hate.