Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Storms and Winds and Waves, Oh My!

How many times do I have to kneel at the cross and beg to be included in the fold?  How many times do I have to be baptized to feel clean?  How long do I struggle with faith?  I am afraid to fall on either side of the proverbial fence.  I cannot bear to trust.  I cannot bear not to.  Why do I beg in my heart to be moved and yet consistently feel nothing?  Where is the God that calms the wind but not my heart?  How will I ever trust?  What is wrong with me?

I hate bible stories.  Seriously.  The more often they are told, the more I hate them.  Sunday’s sermon was on Mark 4:35-41, about the disciples crossing the sea and the horrible storm and how Jesus calms the wind and waves.  Hearing this particular delivery of the message was fresh for me.  I found myself stirred.  One of the statements the speaker said was that a relationship with Jesus is built on intimate adversity.  He meets us where our fears are, our storms are, are hurts are.  From my questions above, I fear he will never meet me.  But I still manage to hold on to faith somewhere, hoping that in time it will become truth to me.  Another statement that resonated with me was this: “The disciples had seen miracles in other people’s lives but never before in their own.  This was their storm.  What is yours?”  My storm is the grey between feelings and choice, between desire and actions, between beliefs and preferences.

 Jesus meets us in the storm but he tells us to follow Him.  Today is another step.

1 comment:

  1. <3 you and your brave honesty here. keep writing.