Storms and Winds and Waves, Oh My!

How many times do I have to kneel at the cross and beg to be included in the fold?  How many times do I have to be baptized to feel clean?  How long do I struggle with faith?  I am afraid to fall on either side of the proverbial fence.  I cannot bear to trust.  I cannot bear not to.  Why do I beg in my heart to be moved and yet consistently feel nothing?  Where is the God that calms the wind but not my heart?  How will I ever trust?  What is wrong with me?
 

I hate bible stories.  Seriously.  The more often they are told, the more I hate them.  Sunday’s sermon was on Mark 4:35-41, about the disciples crossing the sea and the horrible storm and how Jesus calms the wind and waves.  Hearing this particular delivery of the message was fresh for me.  I found myself stirred.  One of the statements the speaker said was that a relationship with Jesus is built on intimate adversity.  He meets us where our fears are, our storms are, are hurts are.  From my questions above, I fear he will never meet me.  But I still manage to hold on to faith somewhere, hoping that in time it will become truth to me.  Another statement that resonated with me was this: “The disciples had seen miracles in other people’s lives but never before in their own.  This was their storm.  What is yours?”  My storm is the grey between feelings and choice, between desire and actions, between beliefs and preferences.

 Jesus meets us in the storm but he tells us to follow Him.  Today is another step.

Creative Lethargy

So lately it seems that I keep struggling with everything.  I have a huge certification test coming up in 4 weeks that I have known about for months and I have not studied.  At all.  I have 2 or 3 books sitting by my bed that I have been meaning to either read or finish.  Yep--they are still sitting there, and this coming from the girl who loves to read.  Other things, too, like wanting to make really delicious meals for my family.  I know how, want to, but when it gets down to dinner time, what happens?  Mac and cheese.  Or sandwiches.  I know what depression is, I know what it feels like--I have battled it for what seems like my entire adult life, but this is different. 
This feels like lethargy--creative lethargy.  Once again I put easy before trying new things (or old, for that matter!) and tried-and-true before any out of the box ideas.  I am so completely inhibited.  Creatively constipated.  Nice image, huh?  C told me I should take some art classes.  We were discussing my absolute love/obsession with tattoos and he told me I should become a tattoo artist.  I immediately laughed and said, 'I can't draw!  I can't even draw a straight line with a ruler!"  His response was that I could learn.  Take a class here or there...  and you want to know what happened?  For half a second, I actually dreamed.  I actually imagined what taking a class would look like and then I compared myself to every other art student who has been drawing for a lifetime and I threw it away.  I threw that image away.  But do you see it?  Do you see it still lingering? 
I don't know what happened to me.  I feel now like I always do.  But I am saying it out loud.  I feel lost.  Sometimes I don't know why and even the times I think I know, I pretty much go running away.  It is time to stop running.  Ok, so I may never learn to draw straight lines without a ruler and therefore never become Kat Von D, but I can pick up a pen.  Or type a few lines.  I will purposefully set out to fail so that in doing so, I can actually succeed.