So lately it seems that I keep struggling with everything. I have a huge certification test coming up in 4 weeks that I have known about for months and I have not studied. At all. I have 2 or 3 books sitting by my bed that I have been meaning to either read or finish. Yep--they are still sitting there, and this coming from the girl who loves to read. Other things, too, like wanting to make really delicious meals for my family. I know how, want to, but when it gets down to dinner time, what happens? Mac and cheese. Or sandwiches. I know what depression is, I know what it feels like--I have battled it for what seems like my entire adult life, but this is different.
This feels like lethargy--creative lethargy. Once again I put easy before trying new things (or old, for that matter!) and tried-and-true before any out of the box ideas. I am so completely inhibited. Creatively constipated. Nice image, huh? C told me I should take some art classes. We were discussing my absolute love/obsession with tattoos and he told me I should become a tattoo artist. I immediately laughed and said, 'I can't draw! I can't even draw a straight line with a ruler!" His response was that I could learn. Take a class here or there... and you want to know what happened? For half a second, I actually dreamed. I actually imagined what taking a class would look like and then I compared myself to every other art student who has been drawing for a lifetime and I threw it away. I threw that image away. But do you see it? Do you see it still lingering?
I don't know what happened to me. I feel now like I always do. But I am saying it out loud. I feel lost. Sometimes I don't know why and even the times I think I know, I pretty much go running away. It is time to stop running. Ok, so I may never learn to draw straight lines without a ruler and therefore never become Kat Von D, but I can pick up a pen. Or type a few lines. I will purposefully set out to fail so that in doing so, I can actually succeed.